127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
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I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.