Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
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I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I’m good, thanks.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.