people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you