My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
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I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.