I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
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I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]