Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
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Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.