My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
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her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.