I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
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Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Sponch
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
March 16
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
When you’re Kinky but poor
beware of dog
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]