It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
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Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Jail
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents