{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
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It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are