Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?