Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
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I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I wish I were this cool 😂
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything