What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
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Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.