Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
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Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I didn’t come here to be called names
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
reminder
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.