5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!