Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
You deplete me
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
This is a true ally.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.