DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
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[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Best seat on the street 😍
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition