My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
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if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt