Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
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The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.