Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
This did not end as expected.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT