I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
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… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
bury ourselves
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.