I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
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My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…