Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
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My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward