“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
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*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
this is the greatest thing ever
back to work
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..