Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE