I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
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Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.