them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
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I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
bout dat hot dog summer
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Good morning!
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born