So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
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I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles