Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
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You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
🤣🤣💀
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real