I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
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The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.