If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
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I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.