My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
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Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.