Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
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“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea