Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
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Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.