You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
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Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
and now we wait
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.