The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
You Might Also Like
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Human are so complicated
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.