From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
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Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
🤔😂😂
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
RT if you could go either way.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti