The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
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I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
This checks out
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!