As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
You Might Also Like
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.