Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
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My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
The booster protects against what, now?
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Only Americans understand
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.