Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
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I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Oh. My. God.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.