My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
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Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Can. I. Help. You.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.