[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
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I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
They did not miss in the small print
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too