ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
You Might Also Like
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult