it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
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As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat