INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
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[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
choose your gary
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?