*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
You Might Also Like
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”