*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
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Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Oh hi lol
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.