*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
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If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard