If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
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[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
New tinder profile pic
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.